Chuckles

[frigid]

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife,

"I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly, and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

:)

[frigid]

I met an older woman at a club last night. She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, danced a bit and then she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

As we walked through the front door of her house she turned the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
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"Mom you still awake?"

[frigid]

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror admiring herself in her
expensive new outfit, her husband remarked: "your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!"

Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he lent over, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked hopefully, "how about it?"

She replied "it's hardly worth lighting the whole barbecue for half a
sausage"

[frigid]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and drinking fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer!

[frigid]

A biology professor at the University of Australia was giving a lecture
on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical
students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know
what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

"Probably out fishing with his mates!!" she replied.

[frigid]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Berkshire."

[frigid]

** FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

[Mucky Stuff]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Berkshire."

Ahhh.... rabbit. Has a lovely 'ring' to it don't you think?:)

[frigid]

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants
turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[frigid]

Surveys...

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their arse.

85% of women said that they thought that their arse was too big.

10% of women said that they thought that their arse was too small.

5% of women said that they would marry him again.

**********************************

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.

5% said it was to get a glass of water,

12% said it was to go to the toilet,

83% said it was to go home.

[frigid]

A man is driving down the road and a woman is approaching in the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman shouts out her window: 'Pig!'
The man yells back: 'Bitch!'
The the man continues round the corner and promptly crashes into an enormous pig in the middle of the road.

What's the moral of the story? Men never listen.

[frigid]

Q: If mums have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

[frigid]

Q: Why are some men so bad at driving?

A: They pull out and don't care who else is coming.

[frigid]

Q: Why is having sex wearing a condom like loading a washing machine?

A: Because you bung it in a hole and hope it won't leak.

[frigid]

Q: What's the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaah'

A: About two inches.

[frigid]

Q: What do soya beans and vibrators have in common?

A: They're both a substitute for meat.

[frigid]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; she turned and said You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This must be my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[frigid]

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
"Why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"I'm a gynaecologist"

[ok0510]

A biology professor at the University of Australia was giving a lecture
on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students.Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know
what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
"Probably out fishing with his mates!!" she replied.